Shattered

It’s finally the first of December. For whatever reason, it felt like November dragged on too long. With just a tiny bit left of the year, it feels like it’s pretty much over. I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve done and not done over the past several months. One of the significant items that sticks out in my mind is that I’ve been trapped by my lack of confidence for too long. It’s restricted me from doing things that I love.

Music has always been a major part of my life. When I was younger, I took piano, flute, and voice lessons in addition to participating in choir and show choir throughout the years. I’m not sure but I think it might have been my childhood dream to be a professional singer. (Something like a K-Pop star perhaps? Ha!) I used to say that in college. It’s probably true then.

In my early to mid twenties, I fell apart gradually and completely lost faith in myself. I compared myself to others too heavily in an attempt to improve. Although it ended up being extremely detrimental, to the extent that I developed intense stage fright. It’s a weird concept to me because while I was never the most comfortable on stage, I still loved it and never allowed anxiety to hold me back. As time continues to pass, I’ve realized that it’s something that I miss deeply, especially since I’m frequently exposed to others’ performances through my work.

I understand that the only way to overcome your fears is to face them but that’s always easier said than done. I’m hoping that soon, I’ll be able to leave my insecurities behind and rediscover my love of performing. Perfectionist thinking is a nightmare and overcoming it is terrifying but necessary to be alive.

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